Skip to main content

I'm Not Okay, But I Will Be

            “How are you doing?” I hear this question constantly recently. Everyone’s worried about me and how I may be handling life after this summer. It’s understandable though, after the loss of my grandfather on top of the loss of my mother, both in a short period of time, who wouldn’t be worried? When my response isn’t that I’m curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor having a breakdown, it seems to worry people even more. How am I fine? How am I handling everything so well? The assumption is that I’m holding everything in or ignoring the issue, but it’s not that at all. So for everyone who’s been wondering, here what’s really been going on:
            This summer sucked. My grandpa passed away, I watched my mom suffer for most of the summer and then pass away, my other grandpa is sick, and on top of all that I spent forty hours a week working, sometimes even fourteen hour shifts. So trust me, I’m completely aware of how crappy this summer was and how glad I am that its over. Now I’m back in college trying to maintain my grades while dealing with everything life has thrown at me. How am I?
            I’m not okay, but I know I will be.
            I cry, I breakdown, and some mornings I don’t even want to get out of bed. It may not happen every single day, but it happens. And although I’m not about to breakdown everyday, I still think about everything all the time. It’s constantly on my mind. I still get that urge to call my mom and my stomach drops when I finally realize I can’t, I still get random flashbacks, and I still get upset. But as I stated before, I know I’ll be okay.
            Life can throw some pretty horrible situations your way, but thankfully I’ve learned not to let them bring me down. I consider what I’m going through now to probably be one of the hardest events I have to go through my whole life. This is going to make me stronger in the end, and I already consider myself an insanely strong person now, so if I can get through this, I can get through anything. I’m also not alone during this struggle; I have an amazing support system made up of family and friends that I can always rely on to be there for me. But mainly, my mother taught me to think positive.
            I remember kicking everyone out of the hospital room one of those last few days spent with my mom, explaining to her that I wasn’t afraid, I had faith, and I was keeping positive. Now, although I can’t think of one positive aspect for the life of me for why this had to happen, I know that constantly being angry will not help me cope and is definitely not how my mom would want me to be viewing life. Instead, I live each day knowing both my mom and grandfather are with me in spirit. I accept that I’m going to have tough times during all this, but that I can’t change what already is. But most of all, I know I have so much life ahead of me to live. This isn’t the end all moment for me and just because I’ve experienced loss does not mean that I have to go on hating the world. Things happen that we can’t explain, and it sucks, but we have to keep going.
            My mom always taught me to do what makes me happy, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned out of all of this, it’s that every moment should be lived a happy one. I know I’ll have those terribly difficult moments, but it keeps me going knowing that I also still have amazing moments waiting for me. I’m still going to be abroad in Italy next semester, I’m still going to graduate college, I’m still going to get married, and yes I’m still going to get a dog. Maybe I don’t have all the people here with me that I want, but that doesn’t mean they are gone and that doesn’t mean they aren’t still a huge part of my life. It just means that I’m going to keep going and being as happy as I can be because that’s what they would want for me and in the end, that’s what’s going to get me through all of this.

            So no, I am not okay right now, but I’m getting through still. Not because I’m not accepting what has happened to me, but because I was raised by an insanely strong, happy, and loving woman, A woman, who taught me not to let the hard moments in life define me. A woman, who taught me to be positive. A woman, who I am lucky enough to call my mom.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Is How You Are Ruining Your Life Every Morning

Your alarm goes off, you roll over and wake up, what’s the first thing on your mind? The exam you have today? Work? Something you’re avoiding? You finally manage to pull yourself out of bed and get ready for the day. You look in the mirror and hate everything you see Not skinny enough Skin not clear enough Hair not long enough You say today will be a good day but you go on continuing your everyday routine. When you wake up and the first thoughts running through your mind all morning are negative ones, you’re setting your mindset to be a negative one. You’re basically setting yourself up for a bad day. You don’t choose to fix anything, instead you choose to complain. It’s easier to complain though, isn’t it? But the thing is, every single morning you have a choice. Everything in life is a choice. You can choose to dread something happening that day, you can choose to feel crappy about your appearance, and you can choose to be unhappy. You chose who you are and eve...
Post a Comment
Read more

Slow Down

Life has been pretty freaking crazy this past year. The moment after graduating college and being thrown out into the real world is just as confusing as everyone says. Everyone's in a different stage of their life at this point. Some are working full time while others are struggling to find a job. Some are getting engaged or having children, while others are still blacking out every weekend. And some are moving out on their own, while others are still living with their parents. Its honestly difficult not to feel lost because no one is on the same page anymore and we are constantly comparing ourselves to where everyone else is at. Personally, I have been the most stressed I have ever been my whole life this past year. It may not be much, but it's enough for me to notice. I graduated college and was lucky enough to get offered a full time position at my first job interview. Exciting right? Except now all I can think about is how much money I’m not making, my student ...
Post a Comment
Read more

On The Road To Happiness

A few months ago my world kind of just stopped. This time last year my life seemed like it was in the perfect place, I was happy. I had amazing friends, an even more amazing family, and I was over all just in a really great place in my life. But then my mom got sick along with my two grandfathers. Life just got, sad. There’s really no other way to put it. I had three extremely important people in my life pass away within a few months of each other. Loss is difficult, I understand that, but having to watch my mom suffer for the summer and pass away at such a young age in my life really effected me in a way that I don’t think many people can understand. I just couldn’t be the same constantly happy, and positive person I was before this. Surprisingly though I didn’t get as depressed as I expected to. Obviously it was a lot to handle and didn’t really come as an initial shock at first but when it hit, it hit hard. But, as known from previous posts of mine I got through this by follo...
Post a Comment
Read more